Regret

For the first time since my op, I am regretting the choice that I have made.   While I feel regret, I am also feeling disappointed that I really can't enjoy food as much anymore.  I think because I associated the enjoyment with excess and it's so incredibly apparent that excess simply isn't possible.  Coming into summer there are so many lite, delicious meals that I can't wait to get back into.  It's just the tiny portions and repercussions of eating that I feel make it a waste of time.  Thus the regret.  I'm really starting to dislike the feeling of sickness after every meal.  I've tried to stop before I feel sick but it is literally happening within one or two mouth fulls.  I also think I'm feeling this way because for the first time in months, I've had a really difficult week food wise.  I thought it was just bread that was making me feel unwell but as it turns out, everything except water is causing grief.  And even that isn't going down so well.

For the last week and a half I have just felt unwell all the time.  Bloated, queasy, twinges and little pains in my stomach.  Just gross.  I have tried a myriad of foods in the hope that they will go down smoothly and I won't feel instantly sick.  I tried going back onto shakes for a day to 'flush' out my stomach and give my digestive system a break but I just felt like like I'd drunk too much milk.  I tried a day of all vegetables but they weren't friendly either.  Watermelon works.  I just have to make sure that it's all turned to liquid before I swallow.  Popcorn is ok too (again, chewed well).  The other thing that has happened a few times this week was the need to race, faster than Cathy Freeman at the Olympics, to the toilet just seconds after swallowing something.  I never actually threw up, but the 7 litres of saliva that poured into my mouth certainly made me think I was going to hurl.  So for the last few days I have just dealt with it.  Eat something, feel wretched for 20 minutes and then move on.  But surely this isn't what I am going to have to live with for ever?  Am I?

The return of the dizzy spells, accompanied with absolutely ZERO energy makes me think that I have some sort of deficiency happening.  I'm still taking my multivitamins, Berocca and krill oil tablets every day but I think there is definitely something going on that needs investigating.  I'll book into see my GP this week (which means in CQ terms that there will be an appointment available sometime close to Christmas) and hopefully we can get this sorted out.  I've always been a night owl, but many times in the last couple of weeks I've been asleep by 8 - 8:30 at night.  SO unlike me!!  I thought that perhaps I was burning more calories than I was consuming and that was why I had no energy.  30 minutes of swimming burns about 500 - 600 calories in half an hour.  If that is all that I am eating as well, it leaves virtually nothing for my body to use to keep it running.  That means good weight loss, but does it explain why I have no energy and feel awful?  I'll let you know!